As Dapo drove home, he could tell Nimi had something going on in her mind she wasn’t willing to reveal to him. He’d watched her ever since she stepped out of the restroom and how she’d avoided looking into his eyes anytime he wanted to. Even when he tried touching her hands on the table since they were alone as Lara had left with IK a while ago, she slid it away and reached for her bag as if searching for something.
The glow he’d seen in her eyes before she left for the restroom had gone. Something was definitely wrong with her and he was going to persevere till she opened up to him. She was breaking his heart with the way she tried to act calm when he could see she was fighting some invisible war within.
He turned off the ignition and looked at her. He was about to ask when she broke into tears and he grabbed her.
“Nimi, what’s the problem? Are you alright?”
She nodded and then shook her head again.
“What is it? Is it Mum? Is it Tolani…, is it Lara? Did something go wrong in the restroom?”
“Oh Dapo, I don’t know what to do…, I–”
“Nimi, you’re scaring me, are you sick? What’s going on…” He panicked.
She reached to wipe her face and looked up at him. Out of impulse, he reached to wipe her tears away and pulled her into an embrace which she readily went into. For a while she wasn’t able to say anything and his heart raced.
Oh God, what’s going on?
He released her and passed the Kleenex tissue box so she could wipe her face and blow her nose. Then she sighed. “I don’t know if it’s just me or maybe it’s God…”
His heart pounded in his chest as he anticipated her words. He had an inkling it wasn’t going to be good.
“I think I heard God saying I should…, I don’t know Dapo. It’s not possible. God can’t be asking me to leave you.”
“What?” His head flew as he stared horror-eyed at her. “You can’t be serious…”
“Maybe God wants…”
“That’s not God Nimi.” Dapo cut her abruptly wondering where the thoughts had even come from. Maybe she was tired, maybe she was having cold feet about the wedding. She’d been spending too much time with Lara and maybe she was trying to take a break.
Or was she trying to dump him and look for subtle ways to go about it. He’d heard stories of guys or girls saying God said when it was just them that wanted to end the relationship.
“Is there someone else?” He snapped. “Is this about some guy or….”
She widened her eyes in shock. “Dapo, how can you think like that? There can’t be someone else. You and I know it’s you, only you my soul is tied to this way. I have never loved any man the way I love you. Do you think I’m that kind of girl who would just wake up one morning and choose not to walk down the aisle to you?”
He relaxed. “I’m sorry baby, I really am.” He pulled her close to himself rubbing her arms soothingly. “I was just wondering how you could mention God when He’s been the one who brought us together. He wants this…, he wants us to be together. Don’t you see, don’t you see how we fit each other so well? Don’t you see how we build each other? How can God not want something this good between us?”
Nimi nestled against him and he could feel her relax. It had to be the stress with Lara…
Or maybe it was Lara God wanted her to let go of. The time she was spending with the girl was becoming so much more than the time he could spend with her. God probably wanted her to take time out and spend more time with him.
“Baby, what exactly did God tell you that made you think about us?
She looked up into his eyes from his chest and he suddenly loved her more. This was the woman he wanted to do life with, the woman he wanted staring up into his eyes as he loved her and brought their child into the world, the woman he wanted to have gray hairs with and holding her hand as they took long strolls on the beach. She completed him. She was what life was about.
“He said I should let go.”
He stroked her arms and slid his hands through hers squeezing gently. “Don’t you see it must have been Lara? You’ve been spending so much time with her lately and God might not want you to become her idol.”
She looked like she was in deep thought and she nodded slowly. “I never saw it that way.., I just thought or felt it was…”
“No thinking darling. Just relax, pray about it again okay? Let God make it clear to you. I’m sure He’s not talking about us. We were made to be together.” He leaned close to plant a kiss on her nose and a soft and slow one on her lips and marveled that she responded eagerly. He couldn’t wait for them to be together when they would be one.
When he broke free, he saw tears glistening in her eyes and he reached to kiss it away. “I love you Nimi. I love you so much I can’t imagine doing life without you.”
“I love you too Dapo. Life would be so cold without you.” She reached to kiss him again and they forgot everything happening around them.
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Life would be so cold without you…A week after and those words echoed in her mind as she stared at her phone and the recent email she had just gotten offering her a job in Ondo. She had randomly applied months ago knowing fully well that it might not happen and it wasn’t something that she would readily give in to since her life was in Lagos and Dapo had lots of options for her. At the time of application just before she met her beau, she’d gone with a open heart and prayed that God’s will be done while choosing Ondo but now she didn’t believe it was God’s will for her to leave.
Oh Father, Ondo? Why?
Why did she feel it was another way of God confirming his will of how she had to let go and leave Lagos completely? Dapo had sent her CVs to his friends and though she had not gotten any response yet, she was still expectant.
Except God was closing all other doors for her to opt for Ondo.
Maybe it was her mind. It had to be her mind. If she was going to leave Lara, then it was possible. But Dapo could not follow her to Ondo either. It wasn’t even in his plan or agenda. It was a foreign idea and he would laugh at it.
“Father, I need you to make this clear to me. I refuse to take this sign of ‘Ondo application’ and just believe it’s a door you opened. You brought Dapo and myself together and I don’t see why I would need to leave him.”
No response.
She sighed and reached for one of the teddy-bears on Lara’s bed hugging it to herself. She felt so vulnerable and pressed the bear close to her womb. Oh to hold her child like this, a child of her own, loving her and caring for her. Dressing her up to look beautiful. Reading her bible stories and telling her about God’s goodness. And Dapo would stare at her and kiss her the way he’d always done but more passionate and unrestricted this time.
She opened her eyes and realized she was crying again.
“Why would you see something beautiful Father and take it away from me? She sobbed quietly and it tore her heart apart. “Why would you give me something this good just to take it away from me, from us. A good father would not do that to his children. Everything you’ve told me to do, I did. I’ve been there for Lara, I’ve sacrificed my ego and my life to get that girl to you. I’ve done everything you’ve wanted and now you want me to let go? Do you think it’s easy to let go of the one you love? I don’t know about you, but for me it’s hard. You don’t expect me to just go and call the wedding off. What about the invites that have been printed? What about our hopes and dreams? You said the plans you have towards us are not of evil but of good, to give me an expected end. Is this how much you enjoy breaking my heart and that of Dapo? Sometimes I just don’t get you Father, I don’t.”
She wiped her face glad that Lara was not in the room. Sitting up, she placed the bear aside and tried to reach for her bible but she couldn’t. Maybe it was high time she chose to think of herself and for herself. She had a life too and she couldn’t keep being a slave. Her mates were married and had babies. Some had even traveled doing their masters or with their husbands in one country and God wanted her to rot being a spinster by obeying Him?
Why did he pick her to carry out such task? There were other strong women or missionaries that could let go without flinching so why her? Why was he placing so much burden on her?
Was she the only Christian available?
Do you love me?
And her mind suddenly flashed back to the first time God had asked her that question in the beginning before she met Dapo. She felt as if she wasn’t the only one in the room anymore and she shivered as the scene played before her.
She remembered her answer then.
I love you Lord, I know I do.
The tears flowed as she sank to her knees when another scene played before her as she spoke to Kemi.
Kemi smiled. “Nimi I’d like to ask you a question.”
“Go on.”
“Is God’s love really satisfying? Is Jesus really worth you being foolish for?”
Nimi closed her eyes nodding. “In a world that’s going to pass away and with so little time that can be swallowed in eternity, yes. He’s worth it. If a whole God could be despised for my sake, then who am I really?”
“You really think God did that for you?”
“For me, you…, all of us.
And God reminded her of His word in the book of John.
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.
“Oh Father, this is going to break me.” Her body racked with sobs. “You know I love you.”
I am your first love Nimi but you still have a choice to choose between me and your second love. I want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you. I only have good plans towards you and for Lara and Dapo. You need to trust me on this. My grace is sufficient for you my love and I’ll be with you. Just trust me.
How can I trust you father when it feels like I’m loosing all…
When you have me, you loose nothing but gain everything.
And Nimi surrendered.
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Lara came into the room and saw her friend curled up on her bed with the bible close to her chest. Dropping her bag and shopping bags, she kicked off her shoes and settled on the chair rubbing her toes. She had gone shopping for some shoes and picked a lace sample to show Nimi. She hoped she and Tolani liked it. She had seen a few and was expecting the dispatch tomorrow when Nimi said the word. She was glad the whole wedding preparation was keeping her busy so that she hardly thought of Soji and Aisha and how all her efforts to make Soji love her had backfired. IK had been kind and loving to her but she just didn’t feel it was fair on him. She remembered his invitation to follow him to church the previous week and how she had done so because she loved him. He felt so at home and she wondered if she could ever feel the same way. He worshiped this invisible being and cried even for a love she knew nothing about. Maybe church wasn’t meant for her. Nimi had tried to teach her that God didn’t see her the way or others saw her but it was just too hard to believe. She wished she could, she desperately wanted to, but she just felt lost and alone and outside though they tried so hard to pull her in.
The day before, when they spent time at the beach and held hands staring at the clouds which threatened to send down rain anytime soon, she wanted to feel at peace the way her friend felt at peace. Maybe if she leaned close to him, she could take in some of the peace for herself. She had done so and her friend had welcomed her and she felt safe once again.
Or was it the need for a man in her life once again? Could he take away that throbbing ache she felt when she was alone? Could he love her the way she wanted, the way she could see this love? She wished she could love this God they all talked about but she couldn’t grasp how much he loved her or what he did for her. They kept saying God sent his only Son, God came down to die for her but where did she come into all of it? What kind of God sent his only Son to be killed and mocked by people…, was that love? How could she entrust her life in His hands if He didn’t hesitate to send His Son to die for ‘her’. Even the world had no evidence of his love.
IK planted a kiss on her head and all her fears dissolved. She moved in closer allowing his scent surround her as he felt so masculine and strong. She missed this, she missed being in the arms of a man who loved her and doted on her. A man who wrapped his arms around her and kissed her breathless till she was left at his mercy. She often wondered if she would be able to live life without a man. All her life she’d had men at her beck and call.
But where are they now?
She raised her head and out of reflex planted a kiss on IK’s neck nibbling on it gently. When he looked down, she could see he wanted her too but was so restricted.
If only he wasn’t.
And then he leaned to kiss her softly. She saw how he hesitated but pulled him in till he broke free and sighed. She felt like a woman again and she couldn’t remember when she felt this way. She saw his intense gaze on her and how he caressed her cheeks gently.
“Oh Lara…” He leaned close till their heads touched and she saw how hard it felt for him. When he opened his eyes, she saw tears in them.
“What’s wrong?” She was scared of the answers she might receive.
“I love you babe, God knows I love you.” He reached for her hands and kissed it as if afraid he might do something disastrous if he reached for her lips again. He raised her hands to kiss it. “Ever since the first day you walked into my class with your cute pink bag and your hair dressed up like a doll, I’ve always loved you.” He looked into her eyes then. “And when you gave me permission to play with your dolls and the boys teased me that I was such a sissy. When I was with you, I didn’t think I was a sissy. I just saw you. You were all I needed to see to make my world make sense. I thought I could stop loving you, even after my break up with Annie, my ex-fiance, but just one look at you again and I realized that marrying Annie would have been the biggest mistake of my life.”
“Oh IK…” She placed a hand on his chest and she could feel the tears sting too. “Why don’t you just let me love you for once IK? Let me give myself to you.”
He closed his eyes and she felt she had hurt him again.
“Look, I never loved Soji…” She shook her head. “And I’m sorry he said all those things in your face, but he was only jealous. Yes, we had sex because he was my fiance and I felt we would get married. I didn’t know what I was doing. Are you scared of me cheating on you my love? I would never cheat on you, on what we have. You’ve shown me what real love is…”
“And what about when I can’t give you all you want Lara.” He released her sinking to the floor. She joined him hoping he would give in to her plea. “What about when I can’t satisfy you enough in the bedroom, or afford that five star hotel, or I’m not home. What will you do when you’re lonely? I’m not trying to say words to hurt you but I’m just trying to be realistic here. Do you think your love for me is enough? If it was enough for Soji, then you wouldn’t have cheated on him.”
She felt hurt and looked away but he pulled her back in time staring into her eyes. “What I’m trying to say is this Lara. You won’t be able to stop yourself from hurting me. You might love me but this thing we have won’t be enough till you can find satisfaction in the Only One who truly gives it. When you’ve learned to find contentment and satisfaction in Him, you won’t go looking for satisfaction somewhere else and then our love will be built on a solid foundation. I will go away knowing the woman I love is with no other thought but God and me. You can trust me too that my love and fear of God will stop me from cheating on you no matter where I find myself. That’s what I’ve been trying to get across to you baby. Don’t you see? Don’t you see how much my body wants you badly but my love for God compels me to do the right thing. If I had no fear of God or love for Him, I would keep using your body till I traveled back to Port-harcourt and I would lie to you and how much I claimed to love you.
“But I’m not one of those men who want to spend half an hour in your bed or some random guy looking for a fling. I’m not Soji who cheated on you with your best-friend. I’m not some guy who believes sex is love. I believe sex is just one of those things that is going to happen if we get married but it won’t revolve around it. And I’m going to be your perfect partner because I’m in love with you. I’m going to make love to you because I’ve been joined to you before God and Man. Sex is not going to be enjoyed because it’s sex, but because I love you and it’s one of those ways I would express my love to you within the context of marriage. There are other things that are paramount, like knowing God more, our communication and our relationship, building a home founded on God’s love and promoting his kingdom, raising kids for God’s glory and other things that will come in handy as time goes on.”
Lara stared at him unable to express herself. No man had ever spoken to her this way before. He had so many things figured out which she didn’t. Soji did not even talk this way to her. She’d thought their sex life was enough to keep them going and since they hardly had long conversations or when they fought, sex had always been the solution. But IK was telling her sex was just one of those things.
Was she capable of living that kind of life with IK? And he had mentioned marriage. Oh she was excited and nervous at the same time. But he demanded so much from her. What did she even know about a ‘godly’ marriage if she could put it that way.
She saw IK looking at her and before she could say anything, he leaned close to kiss her again. This lasted longer than the first one and she basked in his embrace soaking in his sweet kisses which was soft and felt so natural between them. She realized that she was actually going to enjoy being with him longer than she’d envisioned.
They parted and he smiled. “Let’s not get carried away.”
She nodded leaning into him and wishing the moment could last forever.
“Oh God…” She prayed for the first time she could remember closing her eyes tight while her heart uttered the words. Nimi had told her God heard and saw everything. “If this is you coming for me through IK, then please make it last, and make it work out and I promise I’ll try to make things right. I promise not to cheat on him and love him forever. Thank you for being good to me, thank you for loving me like this even though I haven’t figured you out yet. Thank you.”
Nimi woke up jerking her from her thoughts and she went to the bed to join her. She couldn’t even believe that a few days ago, she had been considering Nimi in a carnal way. IK was just the real deal but he said he wanted God to lead. Whatever that meant…
“Hey love.” She greeted swinging her arms on Nimi’s neck, ignoring her half sleepy state and planting kisses all over her face. “See how you look so cute when you wake up. Did you dream about me?”
Nimi smiled at her softly and she could see a kind of sadness in the girl’s eyes. “Are you alright my love?”
She nodded. “How was your outing?”
“Stressful but fine. How are you? You don’t look so happy, have you eaten?”
“Will get myself something downstairs.” She managed to break free from Lara’s grip and found her feet in a pair of slippers.
“Uh okay, let me just come with you. By the way, I got the image of your wedding dress today and I wanted to surprise you. I know you’ll be so excited. It’s going to get shipped by Thursday. And then I brought the samples of the shoes and laces home so we get to talk about the dispatch and how many people will be coming. The invites had a little error on them so I might just have to send it back to the printer to give me my money’s worth. I asked for a golden touch and not some cheap stuff.”
She noticed she wasn’t too excited about the news.
“Is mum home?” She asked on their way downstairs.
“No, she’s not. Babe, are you alright?”
She was about to say something when her phone rang and she reached for it immediately.
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Nimi reached for her phone and was glad for the distraction. How was she going to tell Lara? Where was she going to start from? The girl had been talking about wedding dresses and that was enough to break her heart. She wasn’t sure if seeing her wedding dress would make her resist her decision to trust God and let it go.
“Sweetheart.” Dapo’s voice greeted from the other end and she found herself fighting against letting go and pretending not to hear what God had told her earlier. How could she live without hearing this voice anymore? A voice she’d imagined would wake her on most of her mornings when she lay in bed still sleepy. A voice that would be there to steady her when she was going through hard times. His words that she’d imagined would croon to her on her birthday and other days when she wanted him to and lips that would kiss her senseless.
“Hey you..” Her voice broke and she held herself from crying again.
“Are you alright?”
“I’m okay. Was just thinking maybe I should come to your office tomorrow perhaps.” His office was better to break the news. At least she would be able to control her circumstances within such environment. Besides, she couldn’t trust herself to tarry till weekend. She might change her mind and go on with the plans. She didn’t think she was that strong. If she was alone with Dapo in a restaurant and he kissed her, she might forget reasoning and go on with the wedding. In his office, he would reconsider. He would want to look composed before everyone.
Oh God I can’t believe I’m thinking of ways to break this news to him…, to break his heart.
My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
“Oh…, I was just about to even tell you that a friend just got back to me on your application. He took one look at your CV and says you’re the perfect woman his company has been looking for. He’s also located in Lekki. It’s a reputable company with very good pay, so convenient and they have a training program for about 3 months. It’s the perfect job babe. Close to home, close to me, maybe I can stop by and steal a few kisses on my way to work.” He grinned while she died inside.
God, this is just too much. How do you expect me to say No to this?
“And he says you can start next week or whenever it’s convenient for you. I told him about the wedding plans and he’s ensuring me that your training can start now so that when it’s time for our honeymoon, you’ll be smoothly transitioning into a full-time employee. God is awesome. I’ve been praying about this and it worked out even beyond my expectations.”
She shook her head covering her mouth as the tears came. “I can’t do this.”
And she hung up.
Lara looked at her. “Sweetheart, are you alright?”
“I’m sorry Lara…, I can’t go on with the wedding, I can’t go on with this anymore.” She blurted out sobbing.
The girl looked petrified. “What do you mean?
“I wish I could explain it…”
“There’s nothing to explain Nimi.” The girl grabbed her hand and led her to one of the sofa in the living room. “I understand what the problem is. It’s just wedding fever. You’re having cold feet and it’s natural. Let me get you some scotch and you’ll be fine. Okay baby?”
She shook her head. “I don’t drink…, and Lara you need to listen to me. It’s not fever. God doesn’t want me to go on with the wedding.”
Her phone rang again but she refused to pick it up. Lara sat petrified looking at her and she wondered if she had said the right thing as the awkward silence filled the room.
The phone rang for the fifth time and Lara snatched it from her hands and reached for the receiver. “Bro Dapo, it’s Lara.” She said as her face had gone cold and Nimi wondered if her leaving wouldn’t delay Lara’s salvation further or harden the girl’s heart. She didn’t like what she saw in the young woman’s eyes.
Betrayal, hurt and disappointment.
The girl would wonder what kind of God gave people things and took it from them. Hadn’t she taught her that He was a God of love?
“I think you need to come to the house now.” She looked away from her. “It’s Nimi and she’s saying she can’t go on with the wedding because she believes her God told her not to which I’m finding it hard to understand.”
Much love. xo!
Original story by ITUNU TAIWO owner of http://myglowingscenes.com
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